911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*