I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
#catsoftwitter
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Got ya covered
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?