I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
next level snooze
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I’m awake but I object,
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.