My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.