Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*offers Batman cough drops*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear