What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
The options really are this bad
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one