Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
knights of the ikea table
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*