Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.