Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.