The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD