WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.