Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Sticker placement is key.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Spring of Deception
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.