[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.