As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆