[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow