When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
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[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection