I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
You Might Also Like
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
This a good idea
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.