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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My kitchen overserved me.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Whoa 😂
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.