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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Wednesday
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
What?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no