The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“OMGJK” -atheists
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I can’t wait!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*