You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Have kids, they said
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
twitter is a journey
if my sleeping schedule was a person