[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them