[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
never compromise your values
I know this now 😂
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day