[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat