Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: