Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781