You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story