next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.