Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Gemma Correll
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
This a good idea
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?