80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.