1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆