Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*