[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”