White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Encore…
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.