My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I just ran a .003048K
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
meow
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..