*pronounces woah like Noah*
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Always a metermaid never a meter
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.