my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.