Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.