*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.