MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…