I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.