Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
that’s really how it is
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
can’t bark with your mouth full
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*