If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My brain is a bad influence on me
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”