Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Meat Cute