50 shades of grey = my Liver
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.