Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
You Might Also Like
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
War & Peace
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Never be a pizza!