I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies