My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
plums roundup
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???