This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.