I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull